The Emotional Oil & Water

Grief can arrive like the rolling in of black clouds before a storm.

Grief can make your brain feel stuffy like a full blown head cold.

Grief can make your physical body feel as if you are walking through mud.

Grief can contract your emotions so tight you feel like you are waiting for the bomb to blow.

Grief feeds on and morphs into the very monsters hiding in the closet or under the bed.  

Grief sensitizes us to ourselves and others.
Grief is the great lecturer on the past;
Grief is the shoulda, coulda, woulda.
Grief is the judge and the jury;
and given permission grief can be the jailer.

Grief is the darkness.

Grief does to you anything it wants...if you allow it.

So what now................(Inhale Peace)

I choose Gratitude (Exhale Love)

I choose Lovingkindness.

The days leading up to the memorial date were not filled with Lovingkindness.  Nope they sure were not.

I was channelling the power of anger and depression.  The uninvited flashback moments of 4 years ago running through my  mind.  The details as crystal clear as if it were all happening in present moment.  I could feel it in my body, I could smell it, I could taste it.  I could hear the question, "Why?" being asked by myself and others.  I was generating a vortex full of wrath and fury fueled with sadness and loss.  I was feeling "without".

Then, I would look at my daughters and the storm would pause, the turbulence would sigh with dismay at losing momentum.

The morning of the memorial day I woke up feeling lighter.  Feeling partly cloudy rather than imminent storm.  I asked the girls what happy story they were thinking of about their Dad.  I saw their father in their faces.  I invited private flashback moments of their births, of stories of our lives with him.  And I began to feel gratitude. I was feeling "with". 

Not gratitude for him not being here, but gratitude for him giving us what we had with him in our lives.  Reflection.

Over a comfort food breakfast we shared stories.  Nurture

Looking around our ecosystem and feeling Blessed.  Gratitude.

Choosing kindness over bitterness.  Community.

Inhaling Peace and Exhaling Love.  Love.

Went out for lunch and shared laughter and fellowship.  Joy.

Reminded myself that I am supported.  Spirit.

Allowed myself to let go.  Flow

The mixing of Gratitude with Grief is like trying to blend oil and water.  

Grief being the oil at the top not allowing the water (Gratitude or Peace) to mix in.  You can shake the jar as long and hard as you want and in the end the oil will always float to the top.  

We can not change the physical properties of oil and water, however what we can do is change our perspective.  Perhaps the oil is the Gratitude and the water is the grief?  Its possible, if we allow it.

Everyone has their own process in coping with and moving through grief. And as each year passes I'd love to say that it gets easier; however what I will say is that it gets different.

I consciously choose to be open to what is possible.  Grief can rise to the top on any given day.  

I'm not looking to close the door on grief for myself or my daughters, I am however always open to creatively approaching this memorial day or any other day that grief appears. 

I'm grateful.  I'm grateful to be here to hug my girls, to love my girls and send love to everyone who has lost.

Its safe and okay to be sad and miss our Dads,

Its safe and okay to love and miss our Dads,

All is well.

Inhale Love,

Exhale Peace

and repeat.